Performance Reviews
These quotations were allegedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large American corporation.
“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom . . . and started to dig.”
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
“I would not allow this employee to breed.”
“This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been,’ but more of a ‘won’t be.’”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This employee is depriving a village of an idiot.”
“This employee should go far . . . and the sooner he starts, the better.”
“Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
“ A gross ignoramus— 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”
“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
“He’s been working with glue too much.”
“He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”
“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
“When his IQ reaches fifty, he should sell.”
“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
“A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.”
“A prime candidate for natural deselection.”
“Donated his brain to science before he was done with it.”
“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
“If he were anymore stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get back change.”
“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
“It’s hard to believe he beat a million other sperm to the egg.”
“One neuron short of a synapse.”
“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, others only gargle.”
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Space Shuttle
Space Shuttle
There is a Space Shuttle mission with 2 monkeys and a woman
on board.
The headquarters in the US calls: "Monkey number 1, Monkey
number 1 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to
release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature of
engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So monkey does the
pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey number 2,
monkey number 2 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3,to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.
So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please woman,
approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be
told what to do she says.....
I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't f**king touch anything."
There is a Space Shuttle mission with 2 monkeys and a woman
on board.
The headquarters in the US calls: "Monkey number 1, Monkey
number 1 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to
release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature of
engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So monkey does the
pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey number 2,
monkey number 2 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3,to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.
So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please woman,
approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be
told what to do she says.....
I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't f**king touch anything."
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Motorway poo story
I used to drive a lorry, mostly at night. This one time I'm on the way home down the M1 and dive into the Welcome Break services as they always had the cleanest crouchers. I had just settled in a trap about half way down the room when some urgent footsteps hurry past, not quite running, but certainly not relaxed. A door to a nearby trap slams and there is the sound of someone practically ripping their trousers down, such is their urgency.
Then came the noise.
I've pondered long and hard how to convey to you all the truly bestial range of sounds this bloke was producing. Imagine someone with third degree burns, covered in iodine slipping in and out of conciousness while the morphine wears off.
Overlay this with the sound you would get if you pumped large volumes of air through a straw dipped into a bucket of warm McDonalds milkshake.
I was understandably helpless after having listened to this for about 15 minutes. I was biting my lip with my hands clamped across my mouth while I rocked around on my own throne with tears rolling down my face. I had to know who, at 2am, could possibly be in such a state, what did they look like, how old were they,how could they still drive in that state?
I had pretty much regained my composure, and remembered to do my own paperwork, when I heard the other trap open. I opened my door and observed a well dressed, respectable looking businessman-type individual in a decent pinstripe suit, 5'8", a little overweight, probably late forties, shuffle past, ashen faced and looking not a little dishevelled. He seemed to be avoiding my enquiring gaze, can't think why.
Then came the noise.
I've pondered long and hard how to convey to you all the truly bestial range of sounds this bloke was producing. Imagine someone with third degree burns, covered in iodine slipping in and out of conciousness while the morphine wears off.
Overlay this with the sound you would get if you pumped large volumes of air through a straw dipped into a bucket of warm McDonalds milkshake.
I was understandably helpless after having listened to this for about 15 minutes. I was biting my lip with my hands clamped across my mouth while I rocked around on my own throne with tears rolling down my face. I had to know who, at 2am, could possibly be in such a state, what did they look like, how old were they,how could they still drive in that state?
I had pretty much regained my composure, and remembered to do my own paperwork, when I heard the other trap open. I opened my door and observed a well dressed, respectable looking businessman-type individual in a decent pinstripe suit, 5'8", a little overweight, probably late forties, shuffle past, ashen faced and looking not a little dishevelled. He seemed to be avoiding my enquiring gaze, can't think why.
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